Working Moms - Zonked

News flash - full-time professional moms carry the mental checklists of bringing up baby; many dads, however, believe they do equal duty.  A NYT article by Claire Cain Miller (11/5/15-The Upshot) cites polling research and books, new and old. 

The Second Shift by Arlie Russel Hochschild in 1989 is still relevant - one fascinating finding is that couples will tell themselves they are sharing the heavy lifting, to establish a storyline they can both live with.  Although one woman in this article was quick to disagree with her husband's equality assertion.

When our daughter arrived, someone told my husband "babies and boats don't mix" - casting clouds on our disappearing 'double-income-no kids' fun lifestyle.  30 years later, I've come to believe babies and ambitious work are evil twins.  (As are any caregiving duties.) Business anxiety about profits and deadlines push babies - and moms - up against a wall.

Find Your Best You

In my recent Guide Book, 5 Ways to Grow after 50, I share wisdom from women Guests on my community TV show, "MidLIFE Matters".  One of the 5 ways to grow is to 'Find Your Inside Voice.'  My belief is that as we age, we can craft new versions of our own stories -- with a healthy dose of self-compassion.  Another way to grow after 50 is to 'Treasure Your Tribe.'  A silver lining of aging is that we become more generous, less jealous.

A NYT article "Why Women Compete With Each Other" cites 3 theories; I favor the author's contribution to the topic.  The author, Emily V. Gordon, shares stories of her own exhausting struggles with 'feeling on guard' with other women.  Her conclusion?  We are really competing with ourselves,  not other women.  She advocates ditching the 'fun-house mirror' that distorts our self image, and focusing on becoming the dominating focus in our own universe.  Kudos, Emily!  (NYT Opinion- 11/1/15)

Pity Your Knees & Toes

While we no longer have to wear 'nun' shoes to be taken seriously in the workplace, our bodies still crave comfort.  High heels may sound authoritative on uncarpeted office floors, but your circulation, tendons, knees, toes, hips and back are paying a price.

Switching to flats for the trip to and fro can help, but even they are likely to fall short in providing support.   Two women introduced Margaux ballet flats that address the fact that 88% of women wear the wrong size shoe and many don't have matching feet.  So they offer a made-to-measure option, complete with fitting guide.  Maybe the $245 price tag seems excessive, but your body might vote for the investment.

(NYT article, "They Fix Flats, for Better Fit" Browsing section by Erica M Blumenthal, 10/28/15)

Cracked Open

I am honored to be included in David Brook's NYT column, about finding our life's purpose.  Calling myself a 'formidable advocate' is a reflection of how, at 25, I was summoned to action when my older brother had a traumatic brain injury.  Once you find your inner fire, fear takes a back seat.

Full article here - "Hearts Broken Open" by David Brooks:  http://nyti.ms/1GUKxHK

Wives or Mistresses?

A wise woman in my recent workshop shared her father's advice:  "Sleep with a man because you want to --not because you need him to provide food and shelter."  Are the women of the Upper East Side -- as profiled from an anthropological perspective in a NYT article -- equal partners, or possessions?

Author Wednesday Martin interviewed and observed 100 'Glam SHAMS' - women she labeled as glamorous, stay-at-home-women. ("Poor Little Rich Women" NYT, Sunday Review, 5/17/15)  Her conclusion: 

'Married to masters of the universe, these women are a lot like mistresses -  dependent and comparatively disempowered.'  They often use their graduate-degree skills to raise funds and get their kids into the right schools. 

What a fascinating tribe:  Not my idea of feminism.

I recommend two books:  Necessary Dreams:  Ambition in Women's Changing Lives by psychologist Ana Fels, and Wednesday Martin's forthcoming memoir Primates of Park Avenue.  Then TALK with your daughters and friends about these ideas.